Marital
and Couples Psychotherapy
By Charles B. Mark, Psy. D.
Romantic
relationships sure are complicated!
Problems surface that do not emerge anywhere else.
Relationships hold the possibility of enormous personal
growth and joy or
persistent emotional conflict and pain.
Emotional distress resulting from relationship problems are
probably the number one reason adults enter psychotherapy.
Very often the most practical approach to resolving
relationship conflicts is in couples psychotherapy.
Many
couples enter counseling pointing their finger at the other
person. Often they
begin marital or couples therapy with a very clear picture of what
they think is wrong with their spouse or partner.
Though this perspective can be helpful, the more difficult
and humbling task is determining what changes you personally need
to make. To often our
individual role in the problem is invisible to us.
Ultimately, each partner needs to be able to answer the
question, “What do I need to do differently?”
Marital/couples psychotherapy can help create an
environment where the answer can emerge.
Couples
therapy begins with defining the problems.
An initial session may start with
determining if
either person has difficulties that need to be addressed apart
from the relationship conflicts.
For example, it is important to screen for serious
depression, alcohol/drug abuse or addiction, or other
psychological problems that are in themselves a barrier to
addressing the couple issues.
A history of each family of origin and prior relationships
helps to put the presenting problems in a broader perspective.
Though we cannot simply blame our problems on how we grew
up, our prior relationships predispose certain kinds of patterns.
These relationships provide the positive model or negative
model for later relationships.
Of course, a history of the courtship itself and later
events allows us to see a couple’s unique patterns.
The
couples therapist will want to facilitate a dialogue about what
each person wants and needs within the relationship.
This helps determine what each person needs to do
differently for the relationship to improve.
Couples establish a range of habits about how they relate
to one another. Though
many such habits may be kind, empathic and appreciative; other
behaviors may tend to leave the partner angry, unappreciated,
criticized or unfairly burdened.
Couples often need to communicate in greater quantity to
begin to establish the quality communication necessary to work out
their differences and to stay emotionally close.
Communicating effectively takes practice but the reward is
greater intimacy.
Arguments are inevitable and couples need
to learn to argue productively.
When there are problems, the same conflicts come up over
and over again. Some
couples have been through the same arguments so many times they
feel they could write the script!
They need to learn to listen to each other and set ground
rules for mutual respect during conflicts.
It is important for couples to work out agreements on a
broad range of issues. These
might include, the balance of responsibilities and chores,
privacy, sharing money, work stress, managing extended family and
friendships, sex, social and leisure time and parenting.
The goal is to be in a relationship that is rooted in
mutual compassion and understanding.
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